Star Wars: The Force Awakens – Ultimate Fan Theory! [SPOILERS]

Well we all need a Star Wars: The Force Awakens theory, so here’s mine: In the original movies, Princess Leia is really Luke Skywalker in drag, and the “Luke” we see doing things is Leia’s lesbian sister Luanne. The reason why “Leia” kisses “Luke” in Episode V is because Luke always thought it was hot that Luanne was a lesbian, and Luanne knew that “Leia” was really Luke in drag, which she found attractive. When Luanne is told that Darth Vader is her father, she realizes that Luke is Darth Vader’s son, and that Leia isn’t his siser. We don’t know what Leia looks like because she’s not in any of the movies. Since Leia is really Luke in drag, and “Luke” is just Luanne, it turns out that Luanne was just confused about Darth Vader’s supposed paternity because, you see, Darth Vader thought Luanne was Luke and Luke really is his son, but Luke is dressed up as a woman and Luanne was the one laser sword fighting Darth Vader. So now “Leia” and “Luke” realize that the real Luke and Luanne can’t have bisexual drag queen makeout sessions because they both think it’s incest, but it really isn’t! Because while Luke is Darth Vader’s son, he isn’t Leia’s sister. He’s only dressed up as Leia so he can get closer to Luanne, and Luanne is the one who got her hand chopped off battling Darth Vader, who thought he was chopping of his son Luke’s hand.
So in The Force Awaks, what will happen is we find out that the Ewoks are Chewbacca’s illegitimate children that he had with R2D2, and that Luke finally married Han Solo, who has no idea that his “wife” is the cross-dressing former lover of a butch lesbian Jedi Knight who would go on to defeat the Emperor by tricking his non-familial drag queen crush’s real cybernetic father into throwing an old magic politician down a giant space tube.
That’s my prediction. You heard it here first! I’m pretty confident in it.
I have proof.
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