The new Star Wars movie is like a gorgeous woman with a kind soul and a great sense of humor, who enthusiastically supports Donald Trump. She’s great, except for that one god damned thing that makes her completely fucking intolerable. In the case of Star Wars, that one god damned thing that ruins everything else that’s good is JJ Abrams and his mass-appeal brainfart anti-climactic writing.
I will now rate the Star Wars films in terms of some similar symbol of quality:
Episode I = A Richard Simmons Barbie that squirts pee.
Episode II = Microwaved poop with a side of high quality five-star risotto.
Episode III = Al Gore performing stand-up comedy.
Episode IV: Van Halen’s First Album
Episode V: William Shakespeare with laser swords.
Episode VI: William Shakespeare, as written by George W. Bush, with spear flinging land otters.
Episode VII: See above.
My name is Magnus Von Black, and I approve this message.