The Birdcage, Dick Cheney, and the Lesbian Dominatrix

From the age of 0 to 20, I held a religious prejudice against homosexuals. I thought they had “an agenda” and that they were bad for our culture, although I could not have justified these opinions without quoting the Book of Leviticus. Then I ended up partying with some gay guys who were mutual friends with one of my friends, and we went to a crazy gay bar in Vancouver. It was one of the most fun, hilarious nights I had ever had. As I did the electric shuffle with a topless lesbian dominatrix who would ocassionally shout for joy and gently slap people with her bedazzled leather cane, I realized it was time for a shift in world view.

 
Around the same time, I also met Dick Cheney in person. (Long story.) He was way less fun than the topless lesbian dominatrix with the glitter-cane. As I sat on stage among many high profile senators and business leaders of the conservative establishment, shaking their hands and having my picture taken as I flashed my accidentally-stolen press pass (long story), I realized that I wanted life to be more like the movie The Birdcage and less like the movie Platoon.

 
I think that’s largely why my first big novel that measured up to what I consider a “good” novel has plot lines meant to illustrate my changing views and retroactive disgust at myself. It also has a laser sword duel between Jesus and a five hundred year-old genetically engineered super soldier who dresses like a vampire and uses archaeology to try and take over the universe.

 
And yes, I am simultaneously talking about myself, congratulating myself, and advertising my book in a single post. It’s the trifecta of internet-assholism. Fortunately, if you own three pairs of spandex leggings, featuring a mix of decorative dolphins, unicorns, and robotic tyranosaurs shooting head-mounded laser guns, you actually do not have to apologize for being a self absorbed loudmouth. It is, frankly, a requirement dictated by the pants.

 
I have been awake since 3:30 AM.

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